Friday, November 11, 2005

Good-byes

I began an email, when I was on my Pink Refrigerator/Desperate Housewife Escapes journey that began: I’m drunk. It was the day I visited my parents’ graves. I begin today’s post the same way. I do not do this lightly. I do not ordinarily have enough alcohol to be considered drunk and rest assured that I am safely in my home and do not intend to go anywhere, much less drive!

But I am home. Just come home from New Jersey where I said good-bye to the person I once was and a place that was home for over 20 years. I said good-bye to hopes and dreams that were born and died there.

I am so blessed in the ways my life is turning out now. I know that even the mistakes I’ve made in my life have led to where I am now and I am grateful for that. People I’ve known have enriched my life immeasurably.

But part of my life is over. The next phase promises joy and success and even more self-confidence. Funny to think it should be coming at my age. But that’s how it looks. I don’t mean to sound as if I am unhappy!

I suppose I’m writing about this because I think it’s important to understand we don’t need to always avoid painful emotions. I will grieve what is lost or changed in my life that I wish hadn’t and then I will be able to move on. If I tried to suppress or pretend there wasn’t any grief—over mistakes I’ve made or things I’m leaving behind—it would take far too much of my energy to try not to feel what I feel.

There is power in knowing we can survive this kind of change. The death of one part of our life opens up the possibility of rebirth into something even better. If we know we can survive the painful feelings, if we are comfortable embracing those emotions and then letting go, then we are for more likely to embrace and welcome the new possibilities that occur knowing it’s okay even if it means letting go of something else.

So...tonight I drank champagne to celebrate the good coming into my life and to acknowledge the pain of what I am letting go. I am toasting the courage it has taken to make these changes in my life. I am toasting all the other women who find the courage to let go of what is a familiar but painful situation to embrace the unknown and the possibility of happiness. I know it is not just women who face this kind of choice but I think that women often have a harder time believing they matter enough to reach for that possibility of happiness.

And so tonight I drink champagne and toast—to life!

April

3 comments:

Leilani aka whitehawkspirit said...

I do believe that women have a hard time believing they matter enough to be happy..change is hard..facing the truth is hard as well..the best to you in your new journey..Peace and Light

Anonymous said...

I wish I could feel like you do..I see you wrote that back in 2005..I hope you have made the changes you needed in your life and most of all that your happy...I wish I wanted to make a new life and leave the other behind..I'm now at a time in my life that i'm just wasted space..I wish I could leave this world but im a coward..so I shall live my life sad and lonely waiting to die...

April said...

Anonymous,

I have had times in my life when I felt as you do. I have made the changes I needed to make in my life and I am happy. Each day is better than the one before. I'm learning every day to trust myself more and more and believe in my ability to create the life I want to have.

It wasn't always that way. I hope you have someone to talk with about how you feel. I hope you are able to have someone help you see what a special person you are and that you have something to contribute to this world and that you matter--because you do.

At times like this, medication can help. You may feel like a coward but you have within you the power to not just survive what you are feeling now but go on to one day be happy.

Please look for reasons to believe in yourself because I do. Please look for someone who will help you find the beauty and power within you to be who you want to be.

Know that it is possible to go from despair and despising oneself to a life that is happy.

You DO matter.